O, Say, Can You Sing?

(I'll warn you here at the outset: This post has absolutely nothing to do with running.)

Have you ever wondered what goes on inside a singer's mind during a performance of The Star-Spangled Banner? I've certainly wondered that at times (hello, Roseanne Barr--WTF???), and Christina Aguilera's recent Super Bowl rendition lit up my Facebook feed like a Roman candle on crack (apparently, I was the only person not watching). 

I'll admit to being a bit of a purist when it comes to singing the National Anthem: no dramatic/diva-like vocal riffs, no creative license with the melody, not even the (in)famous "land of the free" octave jump. I just sing it straight. Of course, until recently, the only place I sang it was in the shower or in the car. So on Friday, February 18th, I was put to the test, singing the National Anthem at Albany's Times Union Center before the Albany Devils - Worcester Sharks AHL hockey game. I had already sung in this venue ("God Bless America" at the Albany Devils' season opener in October 2010), but that's a bit like saying if you've driven 85mph on the Thruway without getting nailed by the State Troopers, you're a shoo-in to win the Indy 500.

Coco Chanel famously said, "Dress shabbily and they remember the dress. Dress impeccably and they remember the woman." In a similar vein, there are three basic rules for singing the National Anthem:

1. Sing the notes that are written.

2. Remember the lyrics.

3. Start at a comfortably low pitch.

Or, as one of my dearest friends so eloquently put it: "Just remember the words and don't f*cking f*ck around with the f*cking melody. That's all I got. Other than start really really f*cking low."

Seriously, this shouldn't really be so hard. This is our National Anthem. Who didn't learn this song as a kid? Well, um...apparently, between school and adulthood, an average of 61% of Americans managed to forget the lyrics, according to a Harris Interactive Poll in 2004. And keep in mind, we're just talking about the first verse, which is pretty much all we ever hear sung.

It has been called a "notoriously unsingable song," mostly by pundits who want to substitute the "militancy" of The Star-Spangled Banner with a "prettier" song, like America the Beautiful or God Bless America. (Don't get me wrong, the latter two are lovely patriotic songs, but if you read the lyrics to The Star-Spangled Banner closely, you'll find that the anthem isn't about war and militancy; it's about courage under extreme trial and the endurance of a banner that represents principles like freedom and independence; the battle of Ft. McHenry during the War of 1812 just happens to be the backdrop that history provided to Francis Scott Key.) Despite its "notoriously unsingable" reputation, I have personally heard countless excellent renditions. Perhaps it's "notoriously unsingable" for people who can't carry a tune or don't sing much at all. Perhaps the bugaboo for some folks is the presence of long sentences with subordinate clauses. (In the latter case, reading just about any of the letters of St. Paul in the New Testament will provide ample opportunity for practice. Clearly, St. Paul didn't know from Strunk & White's The Elements of Style.)  Granted, the lyrics are from 19th Century poetry, but it's not as though we're singing words we've never heard before; the average high school graduate should be able to define most of the words in the song (yes, even "rampart").

Musically, the song seems to have a very challenging vocal range, but it's really only an octave and a half. Most "non-singers" can easily handle an octave, while elite singers often have ranges of three octaves. I haven't really checked my range in ages, but I'm somewhere around two octaves and a bit...on a good day. (The tune, incidentally, comes from an old British drinking song, so you'd think people would be able to sing it better after a few brewskis; perhaps we should start singing it during the seventh-inning stretch.) 

Of course, all kinds of things can happen when you're singing the National Anthem in front of a live audience. For every notorious "Barr-Strangled Banner" or the more recent woes of Christina Aguilera (who experienced what every singer dreads and often has flopsweat-inducing nightmares about), we have a more pleasant rendition, such as Whitney Houston's legendary rendition for the 1991 Super Bowl (a performance so moving that I don't even care that she was lip-synching to her own recording--and Whitney was one of the few singers who could do the octave jump without sounding vain). For many, Jimi Hendrix's landmark guitar version at Woodstock captures the "less conventional" patriotism of an entire generation in the midst of the Vietnam Era.

So when I was asked to sing the National Anthem, the first piece of advice that everyone gave to me was, "Don't pull a Christina." I lost count of the number of times I rehearsed the song between Wednesday (when I received the request) and Friday (when I was scheduled to perform). I vowed I would hit all the notes right and remember all the lyrics correctly. Oh, and to add just a teensy bit more pressure, AHL rules require the National Anthem to be sung in 90 seconds or less. (I typically come in around 80 seconds...WHEW!) If I was going to screw something up, it was not going to be the tune or the lyrics or the timing. This, of course, simply increased the likelihood that I would manage to fall on the ice and break my heinie. (Yeah, they had a rug for me to stand on...but I had to get to it first. Kevin, the Albany Devils representative who escorted me out onto the ice, told me there would be "like, one or two steps on the ice itself," but that I shouldn't worry, since he'd extend his arm for me to hold. I only half-jokingly informed him that I would have a death-grip on his arm.

So there I stood on my rug atop the ice as the announcer bade the audience to rise and face the flag. It's a good thing not to be Christina or Roseanne or Jimi or Whitney. I'm just me. Unless someone managed to remember me from singing "God Bless America" at the season opener, my performance probably came with a maximum expectation from most audience members of, "Don't screw up." If you know me or you've followed my blog, you've probably figured out already that my brain is wired, well, just slightly askew. My inner dialogue basically never shuts the hell up. On the plus side, that might just be the most interesting thing I have going for me.

So here's what was going through my mind as I sang the National Anthem. In real time. Over the course of 90 seconds. I only wish I were making this up.

‎"O, say, can you see..."
(Whew! I didn't start too high.)

"...by the dawn's early light..."
(Euw, did that sound a teeny bit shaky, and not with intentional vibrato?)

"...what so proudly we hailed..."
(Oh, CRAP, I totally popped that plosive on "proudly"!)

"...at the twilight's last gleaming..."
(What did I say? What is it supposed to be? Beaming? Streaming? No, doofus, you had it right. GLEAMING. Now, focus!)

"...whose broad stripes and bright stars..."
(Do NOT look at the big board. You already know you're up there. Just keep looking at the flag. Your hair looks fine.)

"...through the perilous fight..."
(DON'T PULL A CHRISTINA!)

"...o'er the ramparts we watched..."
(Move the damn mic away a bit, you popped another plosive!)

"...were so gallantly streaming..."
(Where did I leave my jacket? Oh, that's right; it's in the executive office. I need to remember to go back there and get it after I'm done singing. Oh, sh*t, what line am I on?")

"...And the rocket's red glare..."
(Remember how when Roger Clemens played for the Red Sox that the Fenway Faithful always cheered at "The Rocket" during the National Anthem? Even after he came back to Fenway in a Blue Jays uniform! But not after he became a f*cking Yankmee! Hey, I hit that high note pretty well!)

"...the bombs bursting in air..."
(Damn, more plosives. But better. That's a good distance for the mic. I wonder if C was able to get the video camera to work.)

"...gave proof through the night..."
(Wow, I'm almost done and haven't f*cked up. Sh*t! Don't jinx it!)

"...that our flag was still there..."
(BIG BREATH, BIG BREATH, BIG BREATH! I don't want to have to break the next line!)

"O, say, does that star-spangled..."
(CRAP! I didn't take a deep enough breath. I'm going to have to breathe here to get through "wave". CRAP. I hate it when I do that!)

"...banner yet wave..."
(Don't hold that last note too long; you've only got 90 seconds. But don't rush it, either. Wow, I really like that note.)

"...o'er the land of the free..."
(BOOYAH! NAILED that high note! Thank you, God!" No octave jump, thankyouverymuch! Hey, the crowd is starting to cheer. I'm almost done! Did somebody just say, "Sing it, Joan!"? Nah, nobody remembers the singer's name. Maybe he shouted, "Bring it home!" Or maybe I'm just hallucinating from insufficient oxygen. Yup, that's probably it.)

"...and the home of the braaaaaaaaaaaaave!"
(WHEW!!! I DID IT! Hey, the opposing team's goalie looks kinda cute. I wonder what he looks like without the mask? Ooh, time to get off the ice! DON'T FALL DOWN!)

Incidentally, after I finished singing, said opposing team's goalie said, "Nice job, eh!" (Ah, hockey...) 

Next, I'd like to drive the Zamboni.